Another Kind of Love
He’s scary, that was what I thought the
first time I met him. His gaze was piercing into mine when I accidentally
talked in a loud voice while he was reading his book quietly next to me. He’s
cute, that was what I thought months after I started observing him more. With
black rimmed glasses, unique hairstyle, fine legs, and admirable face, he is
indeed a good-looking person. That was all, nothing more. There are many other
men who are as good-looking or even better-looking than him.
Even so, the words were lost from my
thought when I saw those. Those words by words written on his blog, making
chains of paragraphs which flown beautifully. Mesmerizing my mind, and also my
heart.
You’re
weird, were words my friends thought of me before. I was talking
enthusiastically about the possibilities of
aliens’ and dinosaurs’ existence nowadays based on physic and biology
theories. You’re thinking too much, were the words told by my friends in high
school. I was asking about why would human live? What kind of reason do I have
to stay alive? Was my life worth living? What did I live for?
The
alienation I felt in elementary school. The weird looks I got in middle school.
I thought I was different, I was weird, but unique at the same time. But those words,
the words which beautifully flown in your blog, made me feel that I’m not
alone, that I’m not the specially unique person. But that made me happy. I
finally found someone, someone who sees the world like me. No, you’re not like
me. You’re much better. Through your blog, I see you as someone’s perfect. We
never talked before, and probably neither in the future. Yet, I fall in love
with you. Such absurdity for we do not even know each other. No, I know nothing
about you except for your blog to be precise.
Years
after years, I could only look at you from afar. Your smile, your laugh, your
voice are things I could only dream of. I thought that wasn’t enough. I want to
know you more. I want to be your friend in the least. Yet, I don’t have that
courage. To simply say hi, to even smile at you, or just look into your eyes
from a distance, I just… I just can’t… The heat on my face sure would betray my
cool attitude I showed in front of you.
One
day, I swore in front of my friends that I will greet you. I did, yes I did
finally greeted you. I finally said your name, and I remember it until now, how
you lightly waved your hand and smiled at me. I remember that I could only run
into the library with my face was blazing red. I remember how happy I was at
the moment, to finally see your smile towards me, it was beyond my dream.
But
then it was over. I wanted to end my feelings for you. I was so in love with
you, it hurts. I gave up on you. I tried to love other men. Yet, I failed.
Tonight,
no, recently, the weight on my heart, the burden on my chest, just keep on
piling more and more. Jealousy, envy, disappointment, pride, those feelings are
blackening my heart, causing chaos in my mind. Breaking my brain into shattered
pieces. I’m falling into darkness. Again. With the breaking soul, I was
rummaging my browser page. Somehow, I ended up on your page. Again, for
thousand times. I finally saw it again. The words that made me fell in love
with you for the first time. The words that made me realize, I’m still in love
with you. Just another kind of love. A love which doesn’t need any possession.
A love which changed me, changed me into someone better than before. A love
which I want to embrace, always. A love which you don’t have to know. An
unregretful love. A love which doesn’t hurt. My another kind of love for you.
Thank you for making me love you.
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